The weeks have dragged on, some days have gone faster than others.  The noose feels tighter in many ways.  New processes were implemented at the day care where the kids had their temps taken upon arrival.  Parents now wait in line and enter the center one family at a time to drop off their children.  Signs are posted everywhere about the importance of hand washing and social distancing.  But how do you socially distance children?  They aren't made that way.

Work implemented a new system too.  The building is basically shut down to employees only, those of us deemed 'essential.'  That makes me laugh because I never would have considered myself on the same level as a first responder.  Social distancing is mostly adhered to, but those who won't do it cause stress on those of us that do.  There are marks on the floor to measure six feet apart indicating where you should stand.  Masked people sitting behind plexiglass protected shields at card tables take your EIN (employee identification number.)  We're not even a name.  They have you lean toward the barrier and put a thermometer near your forehead.  If you're deemed temperature appropriate, you're given a little colored sticker with the date that you wear all day in some obvious spot.  They check when you come in and out of the building.  The elevator states two people at a time.  Some people apparently can't read or don't care to, but most of us adhere to it.

I wonder if this will all be enough?

In the meantime, I have trepidation about the leadership skills of those at the highest level of our country.  We couldn't have a more inept leader than Trump.  I hate even putting his name in my blog. He's a horrible excuse of a human.  There is true leadership coming out of New York with Andrew Cuomo as governor.  He speaks daily and has action plans.  He offers comfort and is fighting to get what his state needs.  The losses are still devastating there.

The states are at odds with the feds.  The news is coming at us so fast and yet it always seems to be missing the mark.  We're now at 40,000 plus dead in this country, a number which has now surpassed our normal flu season.  In addition, so many people are without work, and hearing about their suffering is so anxiety producing.  I want to help but don't know how when I'm trying to keep myself and my kids afloat.

The kids' grandparents sent masks so we all have one.  And the masks I ordered weeks ago finally arrived.  While they won't protect us as well as the filtration type masks worn by first responders, they will hopefully protect others and slow the spread of this contagion.

These are weird times.  I think we will see an end, but not as quickly as so many others seem to think.  If the Spanish flu is any sort of a model, we're looking at waves of this stuff.

Life in the age of coronavirus

Things change by the day.  Sometimes, by the minute.  Working from home became an option; however, by the time that edict came out, I had already set up the space for the kids to work and I didn't want to disrupt them again.  I've been trying to keep their lives as normal as possible.

I go to work Monday through Friday.  What used to be a bustling prosecutors' office is quiet and almost sedate.  Some people have chosen to work from home and come in a couple of days a week.  I actually like that because I like having fewer people around, especially now.  When I go into work, the streets are easy to drive with less traffic.  I love that.  Going back to the way things were is going to be hard.

When I go to work, the first thing I do is wash my hands, go and clock in, then I clean off the outside surfaces, doors, doorknobs, handles, etc. with a Clorox wipe.  Does it do any good?  I'm not sure, because the info that comes out is that the virus can live for days.  I'll look forward to the retrospect on this time to see if any of that was accurate. 

What is hard is I just feel filthy all the time.  I'm very aware of the microbial world, and right now, I wish it was my friend.  So many people are sick and dying.  The national response has been atrocious.  America is no longer the world leader in anything but stupidity.  It's so frustrating to witness this in my lifetime, especially when I thought that by now I'd have life figured out.  That is not to be.  The only thing I have figured out is that there is no figuring it out, and chaos reigns.  Sometimes I envy people who have 'faith' and believe in something.  My life experiences have taken all of that from me.  Yet, I persist and I keep going.  And I'm not sure why.  Must be an instinct.

The girls are doing well.  There is definitely some tension, but given the circumstances, they have adapted very nicely.  We've also had some good news in that their day care will help with their regular school work.  That helps tremendously as homeschooling has been a huge stressor for me.

It's very clear to me that the economy that is in place is not good for most people but benefits the few.  Our healthcare system is in tatters.  As a single parent, I've relied on the school to care for my kids while I worked.  That's been taken away during this time.  I'm fortunate that I'm able to pay for day care, but there's a cost to that monetarily for me.  My so called senior years are not to be.  Still, I'm fortunate to still have a paycheck coming in.  I've used up my savings and most of my retirement money trying to maintain a standard of living for myself and my kids.  At this point, I'm trying to be grateful for the life that is, not the one I dreamed of or the one I have lost.

Easter is a time of rebirth and renewal.  May it be so for all the world.  If only we could learn, understand, see the bigger picture, do the right things more often, and for the love of all humanity, not be so fucking selfish.

Sundays are different

So many things have changed since this outbreak and still there are different levels of those who are taking the warnings seriously and those who are just going about business as usual.  I'm trying to find a middle line, yet I have serious trepidation as to whether I'm making the right decisions for our family.

My office is open with no option for me to work from home.  My day care center is open.  I can choose not to go to work and stay home, but for how long?  And if I don't get paid, how do I support the three of us?  And am I putting my children in danger by exposing them to the kids and their parents at day care?  It sounds like I am, and that doesn't seem responsible to me.  I'm nervous and anxious.

It's extremely uncomfortable trying to go to the stores.  The kids are with me, and I can't stop them from touching everything.  I tried to buy them gloves today but there were none to be found.  I feel like I'm dirty and I feel like those around me are dirty.  I hate touching the gas pump handles or running my card through the machines so they can empty out my account further.  There are even lines on the floor, x's, as a suggested distance to stand away from one another.  It doesn't stop the people who come in the door or just cut through to go down the aisle.  Yesterday, I saw a farmers market was open at Udall Park.  As much as I would love fresh food, I'm not going to these types of things again until this plague clears.

I took the girls up into the Catalinas today and that was quite nice.  Aaliyah was extremely tired so I'm watching her closely to make sure there's not nothing wrong.

What has added to all of this confusion and anxiety is I have lost another friend of mine in this awful political climate.  And this is a person who mattered to me so I'm grieving the loss deeply.

Lili did some schooling with me this evening.  I learned to put lemon on a cucumber and eat it.  It was really good.  We can learn from each other.

Coronavirus hits

Our country has been hit with this virus, as has the rest of the world.  It has changed everything.  There are shortages in goods.  I went to the store this evening to get some macaroni and cheese.  The shelves were totally empty.  Not a bag of pasta in sight.  And the toilet paper!  It's crazy but I can understand the psychology of 'not having enough.'

On top of all of these changes, I now will have to home school the girls.  My job remains open, and seeing as I'm the only breadwinner in our family right now, I have to go.  I'm trying to keep things cleaned up in my area and physically distance from people as much as possible.  I feel very torn about all of it.  On the one hand, I'd like to cocoon away from everyone until this blows over.  On the other hand, there is the practicality of continuing to be able to earn a living for as long as I possibly can.  I'm fortunate that I have a job to go to.  So many people are hurting right now because the economy has collapsed.

One huge bit of sadness for me is that today I have lost a person I considered a best friend.  It has really been a long time coming but today was the final straw for me.  As much as I've tried to remain as respectful as I can of her choices, a line was crossed for me today and I don't feel I can continue our friendship.  The respect just isn't there.  While she sees it as a political disagreement, I see it as a human value one.  I don't want to be friends with people who think it's ok for a racist to be the President of the United States.  I cannot just put this behind me and focus on her wonderful qualities, of which there are many.  It's too imbedded in who I am as a person to just 'let this shit go.'  I've lost several friends or people I thought were my friends thanks to the poisoned environment of this hateful human being whose name I won't even mention.  I'll mourn the loss and move forward.

First joint photo

When the girls first arrived in December of 2018, I was terrified.  I was taking on two little beings who needed love and stability.  I could give them that, but the logistics and the financial challenges were daunting.  Mostly, I was frightened about what would happen if I couldn't get them to the age of majority.

All of that and so much more was on my mind.  I had to deal with the the disappointment of the choices made by my son which had landed all of this solidly in my territory.

We are now together going into our third year.  The adoption was finalized in 2018.  I'd be lying if I said it was easy.  It's anything but.  There is a ton of love and a ton of work.  And I wouldn't give them up for anything.