Sundays are different

So many things have changed since this outbreak and still there are different levels of those who are taking the warnings seriously and those who are just going about business as usual.  I'm trying to find a middle line, yet I have serious trepidation as to whether I'm making the right decisions for our family.

My office is open with no option for me to work from home.  My day care center is open.  I can choose not to go to work and stay home, but for how long?  And if I don't get paid, how do I support the three of us?  And am I putting my children in danger by exposing them to the kids and their parents at day care?  It sounds like I am, and that doesn't seem responsible to me.  I'm nervous and anxious.

It's extremely uncomfortable trying to go to the stores.  The kids are with me, and I can't stop them from touching everything.  I tried to buy them gloves today but there were none to be found.  I feel like I'm dirty and I feel like those around me are dirty.  I hate touching the gas pump handles or running my card through the machines so they can empty out my account further.  There are even lines on the floor, x's, as a suggested distance to stand away from one another.  It doesn't stop the people who come in the door or just cut through to go down the aisle.  Yesterday, I saw a farmers market was open at Udall Park.  As much as I would love fresh food, I'm not going to these types of things again until this plague clears.

I took the girls up into the Catalinas today and that was quite nice.  Aaliyah was extremely tired so I'm watching her closely to make sure there's not nothing wrong.

What has added to all of this confusion and anxiety is I have lost another friend of mine in this awful political climate.  And this is a person who mattered to me so I'm grieving the loss deeply.

Lili did some schooling with me this evening.  I learned to put lemon on a cucumber and eat it.  It was really good.  We can learn from each other.

Coronavirus hits

Our country has been hit with this virus, as has the rest of the world.  It has changed everything.  There are shortages in goods.  I went to the store this evening to get some macaroni and cheese.  The shelves were totally empty.  Not a bag of pasta in sight.  And the toilet paper!  It's crazy but I can understand the psychology of 'not having enough.'

On top of all of these changes, I now will have to home school the girls.  My job remains open, and seeing as I'm the only breadwinner in our family right now, I have to go.  I'm trying to keep things cleaned up in my area and physically distance from people as much as possible.  I feel very torn about all of it.  On the one hand, I'd like to cocoon away from everyone until this blows over.  On the other hand, there is the practicality of continuing to be able to earn a living for as long as I possibly can.  I'm fortunate that I have a job to go to.  So many people are hurting right now because the economy has collapsed.

One huge bit of sadness for me is that today I have lost a person I considered a best friend.  It has really been a long time coming but today was the final straw for me.  As much as I've tried to remain as respectful as I can of her choices, a line was crossed for me today and I don't feel I can continue our friendship.  The respect just isn't there.  While she sees it as a political disagreement, I see it as a human value one.  I don't want to be friends with people who think it's ok for a racist to be the President of the United States.  I cannot just put this behind me and focus on her wonderful qualities, of which there are many.  It's too imbedded in who I am as a person to just 'let this shit go.'  I've lost several friends or people I thought were my friends thanks to the poisoned environment of this hateful human being whose name I won't even mention.  I'll mourn the loss and move forward.

First joint photo

When the girls first arrived in December of 2018, I was terrified.  I was taking on two little beings who needed love and stability.  I could give them that, but the logistics and the financial challenges were daunting.  Mostly, I was frightened about what would happen if I couldn't get them to the age of majority.

All of that and so much more was on my mind.  I had to deal with the the disappointment of the choices made by my son which had landed all of this solidly in my territory.

We are now together going into our third year.  The adoption was finalized in 2018.  I'd be lying if I said it was easy.  It's anything but.  There is a ton of love and a ton of work.  And I wouldn't give them up for anything.